Веришь?

Кортасар был прав. Нету никаких "навсегда" и "вместе". Каждый сам за себя, мы встречается и расходимся, мы все чужаки, мы поодиночке, хотя и пытаемся поверить, что это не так. В конечном итоге все заканчивается, и машины начинают ехать каждая сама по себе. И мы теряемся. Теряемся в этой толпе. И снова - тишина, одиночество, отчаянные поиски чего-то, что можно держать вруках и никогда не отпускать, не потерять, не отдать. Так бывает? Вы, все, кто говорит, что любит навечно и простит что угодно - вы сами в это верите? Что кто-то заглянет во все уголки вашей души и поймет ваши мысли, что скажет "навсегда" и действительно сделает все, чтобы остаться? Верите ? Все еще верите? Молодцы. Потому что без веры эта жизнь не имела бы смысла

I've been thinking a lot lately. I always have, but lately these thoughts they reach to the bottom of my heart( or they come from there, I don't know), and they are so strong they make tears come to my eyes. They make me feel something inside - a very rare thing lately, a sign that something is so strong it actually makes me feel, it has gotten through the inside indifference to everything. So I guess I can feel. And I don't know how good it is. I guess it is, but the only thing I can feel is pain, self-pain if to say so, not the joy. Can't feel anything happy, it just doesn't get through. And I guess I'm fine with that, I'm not sure I'd pay the price that it takes to be happy again. I'm fine where I am, I'm comfortable and secure with not-feeling and now these little aches inside scare me a bit. They surprise me, and I don't know what to do with them, how to react. Luckily, they don't last long. I'm looking for the reflection of my past in my present, I'm writing wrong things to the wrong people because I can't write them to the ones I want to. I don't care for one more scar on my heart- probably wont make a difference. I can't get to a place I want to be in, and so far I don't want any other place. So, then, what difference does it make where to be? I can't feel anything genuine, and yet I can't lie to myself. Trying to close up from the people, don't need them, if I can't have the right ones in my life I don't want any. I've been thinking about giving up lately. But I won't. I don't think there is such a person that is able to get through my defense, and that is probably right- I'm better off by myself. I'm still looking for a reflection that was once to be forgotten. I'm not complaining, I just haven't expressed my feelings for so long, and I need them out, there is too much,I'm tired because I don't know what to do with them, they seem of no use, only to be expressed maybe. But, hey, I have feelings - it means I'm still alive!