Веришь?

Кортасар был прав. Нету никаких "навсегда" и "вместе". Каждый сам за себя, мы встречается и расходимся, мы все чужаки, мы поодиночке, хотя и пытаемся поверить, что это не так. В конечном итоге все заканчивается, и машины начинают ехать каждая сама по себе. И мы теряемся. Теряемся в этой толпе. И снова - тишина, одиночество, отчаянные поиски чего-то, что можно держать вруках и никогда не отпускать, не потерять, не отдать. Так бывает? Вы, все, кто говорит, что любит навечно и простит что угодно - вы сами в это верите? Что кто-то заглянет во все уголки вашей души и поймет ваши мысли, что скажет "навсегда" и действительно сделает все, чтобы остаться? Верите ? Все еще верите? Молодцы. Потому что без веры эта жизнь не имела бы смысла

I've been thinking a lot lately. I always have, but lately these thoughts they reach to the bottom of my heart( or they come from there, I don't know), and they are so strong they make tears come to my eyes. They make me feel something inside - a very rare thing lately, a sign that something is so strong it actually makes me feel, it has gotten through the inside indifference to everything. So I guess I can feel. And I don't know how good it is. I guess it is, but the only thing I can feel is pain, self-pain if to say so, not the joy. Can't feel anything happy, it just doesn't get through. And I guess I'm fine with that, I'm not sure I'd pay the price that it takes to be happy again. I'm fine where I am, I'm comfortable and secure with not-feeling and now these little aches inside scare me a bit. They surprise me, and I don't know what to do with them, how to react. Luckily, they don't last long. I'm looking for the reflection of my past in my present, I'm writing wrong things to the wrong people because I can't write them to the ones I want to. I don't care for one more scar on my heart- probably wont make a difference. I can't get to a place I want to be in, and so far I don't want any other place. So, then, what difference does it make where to be? I can't feel anything genuine, and yet I can't lie to myself. Trying to close up from the people, don't need them, if I can't have the right ones in my life I don't want any. I've been thinking about giving up lately. But I won't. I don't think there is such a person that is able to get through my defense, and that is probably right- I'm better off by myself. I'm still looking for a reflection that was once to be forgotten. I'm not complaining, I just haven't expressed my feelings for so long, and I need them out, there is too much,I'm tired because I don't know what to do with them, they seem of no use, only to be expressed maybe. But, hey, I have feelings - it means I'm still alive!

Sometimes I want to give up. To give up on everything and nearly everyone. It all just seems purposeless. But I know that I never will. The moment I try to let go off everything I realize that this is the most purposeless and simply dumb thing to do. Life is ALWAYS worth trying, life is worth living. And no matter what you do - it's still there, you're still going through your life and its up to you whether you are going to be satisfied with it or disappointed. Yeas, it's not easy, and sometimes really confusing, but if there were no challenge how would we tell happiness from sadness? And as far as I know - it's pointless, absolutely pointless to try to predict life. You can decide WHAT you want to happen in your life, and the odds are it will happen, but can't decide HOW. To do that is the shortest way to disappointment. And surprises make the road fun, so it's better to learn to take the unexpected things with amazement and gratitude instead of panicking that things have slipped out of our control, because surprises are a part of life, and there is nothing more to it. And instead of thinking how things could've been you should try and enjoy things the way they are. Because THAT'S THE WAY THEY ARE. If you made a mistake - learn your lesson and keep moving, the best and the only thong you can do about it - don't do it again. Look around you, this is the only real life you have, and your choices are determined by the limited lines called "reality". And, hey, it can be fun as well. Accept the rules and don't let the fear spoil the game.

To let go

There are moments when the time comes to let go of something. Or somebody. And we should learn to do that easily. But, for whatever reason, we don't. It's like you feel connected to the person, as if you were attached to him or her by invisible strings. And sometimes it hurts when the other person makes a move away from you. Of when you try to tear those strings. When all you have to do is to open your palms and let those strings go. And that does not happen when you stop talking to that person, or seeing him, or even thinking of him. You may push the very thought of him to the furthest corner of your mind, but as long as the strings connect you two - the slightest move and you'll feel the vibration, either it's butterflies in the stomach or pain somewhere in the chest. If you feel it - you're still holding on to it. And I don't know when exactly comes the moment you finally let go, maybe it's when the purpose of that person in your life is complete, as is yours in his. If that has not happened - you simply don't let go, for what ever reason you just don't.

We are fans of the complications. We see question marks where there is a clear full stop, we put suspension points at the end of the story whenever we don't want to face the fact that there can't be any continuation to it. We try to get things our way, forgetting that oftentimes we simply do not know what we are looking for. We end up hurting people in our endless search for happiness, and we get hurt ourselves. Whereas it should be pretty simple - every person has the right to be appreciated and a chance to be noticed. Don't give up on anybody before you really know what kind of person he or she is. Don't make quick judgements and don't jump into conclusions. every time you wanna do that - think that your snap judgement may hurt someone deeply.

И почему люди все так усложняют... Придумывают себе какие- то заморочки, ограничения, оправдания, проблемы, не верят, проверяют, сомневаются... Ведь иногда все бывает гораздо проще - жизнь, как она есть. Если трава- то зеленая, если шоколад - то поднимает настроение, и если вам хорошо вдвоем - то почему вы не вместе?? Да, возможно не навсегда и возможно не идеально, но иногда оно стоит того, чтобы попробовать. Мы не знаем, что там будет дальше, и пока не проживем, не сможем узнать. И именно поэтому глупо тратить свою жизнь на сомнения...

we need it

I guess it's a natural treat of character - the desire to be valued by those who are alike to us- by people. It gives us a sense that we're 'right' enough to fit the group, that there is nothing wrong with us. In a way we were 'programmed' to aim for the good, like we have an invisible internal radar to aim us towards the things that intentionally were meant to be good, from the very beginning. And these values are our reference point, something we hold on to to be able to tell right from wrong. We need a scale to measure our thoughts and believes up to and we were given one by our  Creator, and if He would have chosen to give us a different set of values we would 've considered them to be the right ones. And our desire to be liked and to be valued by the other people is a quite natural one - it's an indicator that we're 'right' so to say, that we're going in the right direction and that we're up to those hight principles that initially were given to direct us. But us, people - we somewhat distort this directions, we use false values oftentimes and wrong scales to 'measure' other people, we let our judgements to be based on vanity, on greed, on envy, on anything but on a selfless love - love to other people and therefore the willingness to see them as they truly are and to accept them that way. Sometimes better than we think of them, sometimes worse. So before making other's people judgements  be any sort of orientier for yourself - make sure those people use the right scale, that they are driven by the genuine vision of life as it should be - as God has intended it to be and has enclosed that desire into our Hearts....

I guess, I don't know....Apparently, I don't know anything and I wonder if anyone does. Tired of being scared. I guess I'm tired of myself. I don't know who I am, and I wonder - can I figure it out by myself, or do I need other people to be the indicators? On the one hand - do I have the right to engage other people in my life while it's a mess, but on the other hand - can I get all the pieces together all by myself? I mean, other people will be interacting with me after I'm done figuring myself out. And basically I'm doing it in order not to hurt other people when(if) they get involved in my life. So do I ask for advice or is it something I am to do alone? I wonder if this sounds like a bunch of crazy stuff... my mind's going crazy sometimes, or maybe the world is - can't say for sure. I should probably start crying out for help, so if you can help me to figure myself out- please, don't hesitate to let me know!!

There are cases when you can aways come back. You know you can and nothing would stand in the way. But there are times when you know that you can't come back, you simply can't and it's not a matter of pride of offense, hurt or anything else. You just know, probably, that you're not wanted and if you care for someone you don't do something that person wouldn't want.

I don't think people were meant to be lonely...i mean, yeah, there are certain parts of the road that we have to walk all by ourselves, to understand who we are and what we're worth, to figure out what we want and whom we want to see around us, but other that that - the Creator has given us this enclosed need for someone else like us. If not - then we probably would feel perfectly good and complete all by our selves. but we are not, and while we don't necessarily always need the physical presence of someone - will still feel safe just knowing that there is someone thinking of us and caring about us and that this someone would be willing to be with us right now. In a way it's like an indicator that we're a good enough person, that we're worth someone's appreciation. That's why we all crave love in any shape, we hate the idea that we might be rejected - and that's the very thing that can hurt us the worst - rejection. We become content for a while after being hurt, content with the pain and we don't crave love anymore - pain takes all the space inside us and it seems as if we don't need anything else and never will. But that's not true, the pain was never meant to make us content, it burns out after a while and if there is no love to substitute it we're left empty inside....and then we start craving both love and pain, anything to fill the void inside, and oftentimes pain is easier to find than love. A moment very dangerous for choosing paths and making decisions, a crucial moment if we start to doubt in ourselves.

it's all about people......always about people

Life is not about places you go to, life is about people you meet, the people that really make a difference.... it's about the moments that stay forever in your heart, about the thoughts communicated and emotions shared. you don't leave your heart at a certain place, you leave it with certain people. the people that will keep a part of your heart safe and will give you a part of their's instead..... until you can trade back..... maybe never, but what does it matter if those are the right people to entrust your heart with?

"After all, the wrong road always leads somewhere." The question is, do I want to see where?...

I know this feeling - when it seems as if you've tried every route possible and all of them turned out to be wrong. So you're kind a just standing there in the middle wondering where to go now when there seems to be no right road. I've been there and i've tried just to stand still and to listen to my heart - so that I would finally understand who I am and what I want to be ....I was hoping it would help me to choose the right road, and until i understand what road to take i won't take any - I would just be standing there in order not to make any more mistakes...and I'm still wondering, and still listening, and still standing there....not making mistakes, not making any rapid moves - standing there, at the crossroads, listening to my heart, asking Heavens for help, trying to see the signs and to understand who I want to be... has been working so far... at least that's the least chance of making mistakes now when i don't know anything  for sure yet...

say good bye

I've been running for far too long and now it's time to stop I guess...I don't know what was it - whether I was trying to run away form something or to get somewhere so desperately. I think both. And now I have to stop. I've been running so fast that all I could see around me were blurry pictures, I was lost and it made me run even faster with no direction. Well, now I have nothing to run away from and nothing to be running to, because I can never run away from myself and the world inside of me,  have to learn to live in it. I was looking for someone to live in it with me but I know now that I shouldn't be afraid to live in it all by  myself. Looking back  I can say that if my life was supposed to be changed - God could've not picked better people for it. And now I think it's time to let go - forever or just for some time. This part of the road I have to walk all by myself. I'll try not to get lost, I'll be looking for signs, I'll be holding onto memories that will light me the way if I get lost and it gets too dark and scary. I'll be hoping for help. One part of the way is over, and another one is about to begin. I'm saying "Good bye" and hoping to cross paths again. I wish you to go down your own road and to find your own truth. I'll be praying that God helps you.

Well, here we are...there is nothing more to be decided I guess. There are steps that need to be taken and there is no more place for doubts. It's a little bit scary - like jumping in a cold water - but it's exciting at the same time. I hope I  haven't misread the signs, I pray that God would lead me, I hope that I'll have enough courage and belief to achieve this target. I'm willing to take the first step down this road...  

i want to play for keeps

world is so charming...it's complicated, yeah, but it's worth trying....i believe in happiness, i believe in truth, i believe in life, i believe in God... I believe in the path ahead of me, i know it will lead me somewhere, i just have to make the first step...it's a hard one but i can do it...yeah, the world is complicated but it's a unity...it's beautiful in it's complication, its complete...and I'm a part of it, I'm a part of this universe and it means i have a purpose to be here...i want to complete it. And for that i have to step on the path. Still, we are not alone in this world. God sends people into our lives that keep us on the path sometimes without even realizing it...sometimes against our and their will... But it all leads somewhere...And I know I've gone too far to stop here...

te echo de menos

what is missing someone? Is it like the constant awareness that a certain person is not with you? But what if you're fine with that? Is it when you want to hear someone's voice, or to get a hug, of to look in the eye? But what if you're fine without all of this? Maybe it's about being on someone's mind....thought are tangling, listening to the same song over and over again...have i been here before? 

kiss the rain

I'm leaving tomorrow...clothes are packed, books in the box on the floor...thoughts messed up...I'm leaving tomorrow...Is it gonna be better out there? Is it the beginning of a new life? 'Cause I'm leaving tomorrow....leaving everything behind, I need to move forward....  I need the future...and I'm leaving tomorrow...I'll meet some new people, see some old friends, forget a lot of old patterns and create new ones...I'll create a new life... I'm not running away, I'm moving on...I'm moving forward...i don't know where this road is gonna take me, but... we're under the same sky...

Stars are so far away..and my dreams are....but I believe in them....and I will until they are genuine...we are what we believe in...and I believe in my reams...I am my dreams...please believe in them too, believe in the possibility, in the chance...second chance...I believe that our God is a God of  second chances...I know that my life isn't worth much, but I hope I can make it worth, I want  to fulfill my purpose, I want to become myself...I want to complete the purpose of whatever talent I was given...I want to serve people with my talent, with the talent that God has given me...and for that I need to discover that talent in me...and I need to be believed in...even if you don't know what is it that you believe in ...it's the trust that counts...and the beauty of the dream...

Songs I listen to, movies I watch, people I meet - it all is leading me somewhere, I know that much...In this emptiness and loneliness there is still something left that keeps me from making the wrong step. Cars are driving, people are going somewhere, sun rises and sets and I have to wake up every morning. To accept this life and to accept myself. To look ahead, to believe in best, to find these little reasons for joy...I love people, most of them are nice without knowing it, they often help me just with their presence, and but they have no clue about it. I guess I'm tired of accepting and rejecting. But doubting, asking, thinking, feeling - it's living. Life is beautiful after all. 

because they are worth suffering for.

It's dark in the room, my window is open and I can hear the cars driving on the street, piano music is playing - what else do I need? I was reading through some quotes i had liked and so i saved them on my laptop. I have a couple favorites, Bob Marley's for example. Some i don't know who they belong to. Bob Marley said "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This quote actually means a lot to me. People always hurt us. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. Some because they don't care about us and some because they care a lot. This is life and it's not simple. But there are people out there that you know you would never hurt. Never ever. You just can't. You know that they can do anything to you (not necessarily that they would) and you still will be there for them. You'll stand up and stretch out a hand to them if they still want it. It might hurt you but you'll get over it. Because some people mean that much. And it might not necessarily be that they have done something for you to, so to say, "earn" such an attitude on your part - it's  who they are you treasure so much that you would forgive them pretty much anything. because they are worth it. And if we have to choose between the people who don't care for us and might hurt us and the one's that care a lot and still might hurt us - I say that I choose the second ones. Because they are worth suffering for.  I may be way out there, but this is what this phrase means to me.

"Просто мені так хочеться бути там де і ти, так хочеться жити в тебе в полоні, і бачити як тікають від мене сни в твої долоні..."
                                                O.E.


I guess this is just a lonely evening...dark and lonely...lights are out in the room, candies and a glass of milk on the table (don't like regular cups). The city is shining with lights, getting ready for the nightlife. Someone out there is fighting, someone is reading, someone is leaving and someone is  coming back...so many people...they all are fighting something, and so am I. Evenings like this - they are important, they give you the chance to stop and to realize something...and the fact that they might not be the easiest ones to get through does not change anything... music helps to set the right mood to go along with the evening...there is no point in trying to change it, it's better to get through it faster ...I should get Christmas lights tomorrow, they will do perfectly for such evenings....  the city lies quietly in the darkness down under my window, almost as if I could jump in the darkness....I would never, but I always liked living here, gives you perspective...

I'll be keeping my hopes unbroken...

People were given a gift - to be able to feel. To feel pain and to feel joy, to feel compassion and empathy, to feel life. It's our way of reacting to the reality, our way of stating that we're alive, because we feel. We usually don't understand why things happen a certain way, we think that if we don't feel happy right now, at this moment and from this moment forever than something is wrong. But I don't thing that life is meant to be this way. I don't think that happiness equals joy. No, happiness is life and the assurance that everything is happening according to a plan. Unknown to us, but known to the Creator. Our happiness is to live. To go through our life, to meet people we were meant to meet, to do things that bring joy and that cause pain, but that are the part of our path. Every part of the plan is vital, every part makes sense. We should just be looking for the signs carefully not to get lost. Not trying to be happy every single moment, but to accept whatever there is on our path. And eventually it will all come together and we'll see the whole picture as it was meant to be. So far as we don't see it and we don't have the map to lead us don't the road we have to take. But we get lost if we lose faith.

smart=in love

passion can be crazy, but love is smart... i've seen this phrase in a book of one author, it's out of context and  i don't know how he has connected this  idea to the story, but I think that here he's right. Love is always smart. Love does not compromise our vision, it helps us to see things clearly. To understand what is genuine and what is false. To be able to tell the truth from the deceiving. Love is smart, and we should not be afraid for the consequences of the true love because if it's really True, than the decisions will be wise. Even if they don't seem sensible at first. It's passion usually that makes us do crazy things because passion sees no future, it's blind. Love is not blind, it sometimes makes us do things that we wouldn't normally do, but that's different. Love just gives us a chance to change our lives, and it's decisions,crazy sometimes, are pointed towards the  future. Unlike passion love is constructive. 

you never know...

What is love? What is it and can you understand it?? Can you comprehend it, can you measure it, can you evaluate it?? What is the indicator of love? People say "I love you", but do they really mean it? While saying it do they know that what they are feeling may not be love, that they are deceiving themselves and the other person? And sometimes you may love someone and not even realize it. You may love someone more that life but don't know it yet....Luckily, there always comes a point in both of this situations when the curtain had fallen and you start seeing thing the way they really are. And you get amazed...Sometimes by the lack of real feeling. And sometimes by the realization of how strong your feelings are. How genuine they are. And that they don't  depend on you, and that doesn't scare you for some reason. You just know that that is one of the most genuine things in life ans that it's a gift by itself. True Love is a gift. A very precious one.

enough to let go

Too many emotions, too many..... had to open the window to let them flow.....I was feeling so much today.... Why do we always think that there is something more wonderful than the life itself? Why do we think that something "made-up" is better than real "us", why do we have this need to make the reality better?? My favorite movie says "Life is enough of a wonder itself to be making up anything else". And life is...there is no need to create scenarios and put up a show called "my life" for someone to like it instead of just living it. Life is a wonder and you are a personality worth enough by yourself, just the way you were created, there is no need to be pretending, to be adjusting your thoughts and your actions in order for someone else to like it. It's not about someone liking the person you are not, it's about finding the one that will like the person you really are. It's about loving someone enough and to be sure that you're loved enough to let yourself go. To stop fitting and adjusting, but to have enough courage to show that  person the real "you", to put yourself in the most vulnerable position - running the risk of the rejection of real "you". It hurts much worse that the rejection of the fake mask you're hiding behind, but it's worth it. And the feeling of being loved and appreciated for who you really are is worth it. It's so worth it. Don't be afraid to be who God has intended you to be. Don't be afraid to be you.

possible

Every day we change someone's life...and someone changes our, we might just not know about it...we interact with people, we make connections, we let some people to come close, we get close to others....Every moment contains so many possibilities, we chose just one option and by this we think that we see the whole picture...but we don't see the mysterious mechanisms that encircle the world and made the chain reaction happen. We don't see the consequences of our actions except for those that are pointed directly to us. We don't see a chain of events that every our decision starts. We don't see how our presence in someone's life, just simple presence, changes everything. And we don't know what might just one simple "yes" or "no" change. Maybe it'll change the history.  And maybe because of that we don't need to know. Everything happens the way it does because this is how it is supposed to happen. We don't necessarily need to know how important is the decision we're about to make to make the right decision. We don't need to know that simple words like "I love you, I'm with you, it's gonna be all right" might save someone's life to say them. We don't need to know. We just need to make sure that we listen to our heart, it usually works like a radar that percepts the signals from Heavens. And we need to make sure that we are ready to follow them even if sometime it takes a little more energy, a little more care and a little more love for people. And the way you know you've made the right choice - it simply feels right (when the choice should've been different it usually feels "something is not quite right, but I guess I can just ignore that feeling).
This is my understanding of a phrase "everything is possible", because your choices define your possibilities...And as far as you have the power to choose - you have the power to change the reality....

love is a movement

people are like stars.... Only in a reverse action. At the beginning of our universe there was a big explosion that gave a motion to all the stars and planets, and they still drift apart, getting farther away with every second. And for people it works pretty much the same - but first they are really far away from each other, each in their own galaxy, and then they start to be drawn together - and the closer they get the faster the process is. until they crash into each other. And that's how new stars emerge 

allies

There are relationships that mean more than yourself. There are relationships that you would make anything to fix every little disagreement, and that's why we take it to the extremes if something more serious comes up.You can not see the whole picture, but you imagine it judging by your own feelings, and the stronger the feelings are, the scarier the picture gets. And the scarier the picture gets , the more messes up your thoughts are and the more distorted is your perception of the very matter of the issue. It gets up to the point when the heart just shuts down and doesn't let any emotions to be felt, any, because predicting the unbelievable pain that may be caused by the explanation the heart doesn't  not let us feel anything in order to let the mind work and to do what need to be done even if it'll cause pain to the heart in the future. Because heart knows that this relationship is worth any pain in order to keep them genuine. And that by hurting itself it saves the right and genuine thing. So as you explain the matter you can hardly feel anything inside, as if there never was a heart able to hurt. It's like the first few moments after the surgeon makes the cut - at first you don't feel anything, and then pain slowly creeps in, getting stronger with every millisecond. But, not yet. Right now it's still numb, just after the cut, and while our mind knows perfectly well  that it's gonna hurt, it doesn't hurt yet, giving us a chance to go against our own instinct of self-protection and to make the cut. And it's great that sometimes the mind and the heart can operate separately but still in association. 

Lost and insecure, You found me...