te echo de menos

what is missing someone? Is it like the constant awareness that a certain person is not with you? But what if you're fine with that? Is it when you want to hear someone's voice, or to get a hug, of to look in the eye? But what if you're fine without all of this? Maybe it's about being on someone's mind....thought are tangling, listening to the same song over and over again...have i been here before? 

kiss the rain

I'm leaving tomorrow...clothes are packed, books in the box on the floor...thoughts messed up...I'm leaving tomorrow...Is it gonna be better out there? Is it the beginning of a new life? 'Cause I'm leaving tomorrow....leaving everything behind, I need to move forward....  I need the future...and I'm leaving tomorrow...I'll meet some new people, see some old friends, forget a lot of old patterns and create new ones...I'll create a new life... I'm not running away, I'm moving on...I'm moving forward...i don't know where this road is gonna take me, but... we're under the same sky...

Stars are so far away..and my dreams are....but I believe in them....and I will until they are genuine...we are what we believe in...and I believe in my reams...I am my dreams...please believe in them too, believe in the possibility, in the chance...second chance...I believe that our God is a God of  second chances...I know that my life isn't worth much, but I hope I can make it worth, I want  to fulfill my purpose, I want to become myself...I want to complete the purpose of whatever talent I was given...I want to serve people with my talent, with the talent that God has given me...and for that I need to discover that talent in me...and I need to be believed in...even if you don't know what is it that you believe in ...it's the trust that counts...and the beauty of the dream...

Songs I listen to, movies I watch, people I meet - it all is leading me somewhere, I know that much...In this emptiness and loneliness there is still something left that keeps me from making the wrong step. Cars are driving, people are going somewhere, sun rises and sets and I have to wake up every morning. To accept this life and to accept myself. To look ahead, to believe in best, to find these little reasons for joy...I love people, most of them are nice without knowing it, they often help me just with their presence, and but they have no clue about it. I guess I'm tired of accepting and rejecting. But doubting, asking, thinking, feeling - it's living. Life is beautiful after all. 

because they are worth suffering for.

It's dark in the room, my window is open and I can hear the cars driving on the street, piano music is playing - what else do I need? I was reading through some quotes i had liked and so i saved them on my laptop. I have a couple favorites, Bob Marley's for example. Some i don't know who they belong to. Bob Marley said "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This quote actually means a lot to me. People always hurt us. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. Some because they don't care about us and some because they care a lot. This is life and it's not simple. But there are people out there that you know you would never hurt. Never ever. You just can't. You know that they can do anything to you (not necessarily that they would) and you still will be there for them. You'll stand up and stretch out a hand to them if they still want it. It might hurt you but you'll get over it. Because some people mean that much. And it might not necessarily be that they have done something for you to, so to say, "earn" such an attitude on your part - it's  who they are you treasure so much that you would forgive them pretty much anything. because they are worth it. And if we have to choose between the people who don't care for us and might hurt us and the one's that care a lot and still might hurt us - I say that I choose the second ones. Because they are worth suffering for.  I may be way out there, but this is what this phrase means to me.

"Просто мені так хочеться бути там де і ти, так хочеться жити в тебе в полоні, і бачити як тікають від мене сни в твої долоні..."
                                                O.E.


I guess this is just a lonely evening...dark and lonely...lights are out in the room, candies and a glass of milk on the table (don't like regular cups). The city is shining with lights, getting ready for the nightlife. Someone out there is fighting, someone is reading, someone is leaving and someone is  coming back...so many people...they all are fighting something, and so am I. Evenings like this - they are important, they give you the chance to stop and to realize something...and the fact that they might not be the easiest ones to get through does not change anything... music helps to set the right mood to go along with the evening...there is no point in trying to change it, it's better to get through it faster ...I should get Christmas lights tomorrow, they will do perfectly for such evenings....  the city lies quietly in the darkness down under my window, almost as if I could jump in the darkness....I would never, but I always liked living here, gives you perspective...

I'll be keeping my hopes unbroken...

People were given a gift - to be able to feel. To feel pain and to feel joy, to feel compassion and empathy, to feel life. It's our way of reacting to the reality, our way of stating that we're alive, because we feel. We usually don't understand why things happen a certain way, we think that if we don't feel happy right now, at this moment and from this moment forever than something is wrong. But I don't thing that life is meant to be this way. I don't think that happiness equals joy. No, happiness is life and the assurance that everything is happening according to a plan. Unknown to us, but known to the Creator. Our happiness is to live. To go through our life, to meet people we were meant to meet, to do things that bring joy and that cause pain, but that are the part of our path. Every part of the plan is vital, every part makes sense. We should just be looking for the signs carefully not to get lost. Not trying to be happy every single moment, but to accept whatever there is on our path. And eventually it will all come together and we'll see the whole picture as it was meant to be. So far as we don't see it and we don't have the map to lead us don't the road we have to take. But we get lost if we lose faith.

smart=in love

passion can be crazy, but love is smart... i've seen this phrase in a book of one author, it's out of context and  i don't know how he has connected this  idea to the story, but I think that here he's right. Love is always smart. Love does not compromise our vision, it helps us to see things clearly. To understand what is genuine and what is false. To be able to tell the truth from the deceiving. Love is smart, and we should not be afraid for the consequences of the true love because if it's really True, than the decisions will be wise. Even if they don't seem sensible at first. It's passion usually that makes us do crazy things because passion sees no future, it's blind. Love is not blind, it sometimes makes us do things that we wouldn't normally do, but that's different. Love just gives us a chance to change our lives, and it's decisions,crazy sometimes, are pointed towards the  future. Unlike passion love is constructive. 

you never know...

What is love? What is it and can you understand it?? Can you comprehend it, can you measure it, can you evaluate it?? What is the indicator of love? People say "I love you", but do they really mean it? While saying it do they know that what they are feeling may not be love, that they are deceiving themselves and the other person? And sometimes you may love someone and not even realize it. You may love someone more that life but don't know it yet....Luckily, there always comes a point in both of this situations when the curtain had fallen and you start seeing thing the way they really are. And you get amazed...Sometimes by the lack of real feeling. And sometimes by the realization of how strong your feelings are. How genuine they are. And that they don't  depend on you, and that doesn't scare you for some reason. You just know that that is one of the most genuine things in life ans that it's a gift by itself. True Love is a gift. A very precious one.

enough to let go

Too many emotions, too many..... had to open the window to let them flow.....I was feeling so much today.... Why do we always think that there is something more wonderful than the life itself? Why do we think that something "made-up" is better than real "us", why do we have this need to make the reality better?? My favorite movie says "Life is enough of a wonder itself to be making up anything else". And life is...there is no need to create scenarios and put up a show called "my life" for someone to like it instead of just living it. Life is a wonder and you are a personality worth enough by yourself, just the way you were created, there is no need to be pretending, to be adjusting your thoughts and your actions in order for someone else to like it. It's not about someone liking the person you are not, it's about finding the one that will like the person you really are. It's about loving someone enough and to be sure that you're loved enough to let yourself go. To stop fitting and adjusting, but to have enough courage to show that  person the real "you", to put yourself in the most vulnerable position - running the risk of the rejection of real "you". It hurts much worse that the rejection of the fake mask you're hiding behind, but it's worth it. And the feeling of being loved and appreciated for who you really are is worth it. It's so worth it. Don't be afraid to be who God has intended you to be. Don't be afraid to be you.

possible

Every day we change someone's life...and someone changes our, we might just not know about it...we interact with people, we make connections, we let some people to come close, we get close to others....Every moment contains so many possibilities, we chose just one option and by this we think that we see the whole picture...but we don't see the mysterious mechanisms that encircle the world and made the chain reaction happen. We don't see the consequences of our actions except for those that are pointed directly to us. We don't see a chain of events that every our decision starts. We don't see how our presence in someone's life, just simple presence, changes everything. And we don't know what might just one simple "yes" or "no" change. Maybe it'll change the history.  And maybe because of that we don't need to know. Everything happens the way it does because this is how it is supposed to happen. We don't necessarily need to know how important is the decision we're about to make to make the right decision. We don't need to know that simple words like "I love you, I'm with you, it's gonna be all right" might save someone's life to say them. We don't need to know. We just need to make sure that we listen to our heart, it usually works like a radar that percepts the signals from Heavens. And we need to make sure that we are ready to follow them even if sometime it takes a little more energy, a little more care and a little more love for people. And the way you know you've made the right choice - it simply feels right (when the choice should've been different it usually feels "something is not quite right, but I guess I can just ignore that feeling).
This is my understanding of a phrase "everything is possible", because your choices define your possibilities...And as far as you have the power to choose - you have the power to change the reality....

love is a movement

people are like stars.... Only in a reverse action. At the beginning of our universe there was a big explosion that gave a motion to all the stars and planets, and they still drift apart, getting farther away with every second. And for people it works pretty much the same - but first they are really far away from each other, each in their own galaxy, and then they start to be drawn together - and the closer they get the faster the process is. until they crash into each other. And that's how new stars emerge 

allies

There are relationships that mean more than yourself. There are relationships that you would make anything to fix every little disagreement, and that's why we take it to the extremes if something more serious comes up.You can not see the whole picture, but you imagine it judging by your own feelings, and the stronger the feelings are, the scarier the picture gets. And the scarier the picture gets , the more messes up your thoughts are and the more distorted is your perception of the very matter of the issue. It gets up to the point when the heart just shuts down and doesn't let any emotions to be felt, any, because predicting the unbelievable pain that may be caused by the explanation the heart doesn't  not let us feel anything in order to let the mind work and to do what need to be done even if it'll cause pain to the heart in the future. Because heart knows that this relationship is worth any pain in order to keep them genuine. And that by hurting itself it saves the right and genuine thing. So as you explain the matter you can hardly feel anything inside, as if there never was a heart able to hurt. It's like the first few moments after the surgeon makes the cut - at first you don't feel anything, and then pain slowly creeps in, getting stronger with every millisecond. But, not yet. Right now it's still numb, just after the cut, and while our mind knows perfectly well  that it's gonna hurt, it doesn't hurt yet, giving us a chance to go against our own instinct of self-protection and to make the cut. And it's great that sometimes the mind and the heart can operate separately but still in association. 

Lost and insecure, You found me...