I don't think people were meant to be lonely...i mean, yeah, there are certain parts of the road that we have to walk all by ourselves, to understand who we are and what we're worth, to figure out what we want and whom we want to see around us, but other that that - the Creator has given us this enclosed need for someone else like us. If not - then we probably would feel perfectly good and complete all by our selves. but we are not, and while we don't necessarily always need the physical presence of someone - will still feel safe just knowing that there is someone thinking of us and caring about us and that this someone would be willing to be with us right now. In a way it's like an indicator that we're a good enough person, that we're worth someone's appreciation. That's why we all crave love in any shape, we hate the idea that we might be rejected - and that's the very thing that can hurt us the worst - rejection. We become content for a while after being hurt, content with the pain and we don't crave love anymore - pain takes all the space inside us and it seems as if we don't need anything else and never will. But that's not true, the pain was never meant to make us content, it burns out after a while and if there is no love to substitute it we're left empty inside....and then we start craving both love and pain, anything to fill the void inside, and oftentimes pain is easier to find than love. A moment very dangerous for choosing paths and making decisions, a crucial moment if we start to doubt in ourselves.

it's all about people......always about people

Life is not about places you go to, life is about people you meet, the people that really make a difference.... it's about the moments that stay forever in your heart, about the thoughts communicated and emotions shared. you don't leave your heart at a certain place, you leave it with certain people. the people that will keep a part of your heart safe and will give you a part of their's instead..... until you can trade back..... maybe never, but what does it matter if those are the right people to entrust your heart with?

"After all, the wrong road always leads somewhere." The question is, do I want to see where?...

I know this feeling - when it seems as if you've tried every route possible and all of them turned out to be wrong. So you're kind a just standing there in the middle wondering where to go now when there seems to be no right road. I've been there and i've tried just to stand still and to listen to my heart - so that I would finally understand who I am and what I want to be ....I was hoping it would help me to choose the right road, and until i understand what road to take i won't take any - I would just be standing there in order not to make any more mistakes...and I'm still wondering, and still listening, and still standing there....not making mistakes, not making any rapid moves - standing there, at the crossroads, listening to my heart, asking Heavens for help, trying to see the signs and to understand who I want to be... has been working so far... at least that's the least chance of making mistakes now when i don't know anything  for sure yet...

say good bye

I've been running for far too long and now it's time to stop I guess...I don't know what was it - whether I was trying to run away form something or to get somewhere so desperately. I think both. And now I have to stop. I've been running so fast that all I could see around me were blurry pictures, I was lost and it made me run even faster with no direction. Well, now I have nothing to run away from and nothing to be running to, because I can never run away from myself and the world inside of me,  have to learn to live in it. I was looking for someone to live in it with me but I know now that I shouldn't be afraid to live in it all by  myself. Looking back  I can say that if my life was supposed to be changed - God could've not picked better people for it. And now I think it's time to let go - forever or just for some time. This part of the road I have to walk all by myself. I'll try not to get lost, I'll be looking for signs, I'll be holding onto memories that will light me the way if I get lost and it gets too dark and scary. I'll be hoping for help. One part of the way is over, and another one is about to begin. I'm saying "Good bye" and hoping to cross paths again. I wish you to go down your own road and to find your own truth. I'll be praying that God helps you.

Well, here we are...there is nothing more to be decided I guess. There are steps that need to be taken and there is no more place for doubts. It's a little bit scary - like jumping in a cold water - but it's exciting at the same time. I hope I  haven't misread the signs, I pray that God would lead me, I hope that I'll have enough courage and belief to achieve this target. I'm willing to take the first step down this road...  

i want to play for keeps

world is so charming...it's complicated, yeah, but it's worth trying....i believe in happiness, i believe in truth, i believe in life, i believe in God... I believe in the path ahead of me, i know it will lead me somewhere, i just have to make the first step...it's a hard one but i can do it...yeah, the world is complicated but it's a unity...it's beautiful in it's complication, its complete...and I'm a part of it, I'm a part of this universe and it means i have a purpose to be here...i want to complete it. And for that i have to step on the path. Still, we are not alone in this world. God sends people into our lives that keep us on the path sometimes without even realizing it...sometimes against our and their will... But it all leads somewhere...And I know I've gone too far to stop here...

te echo de menos

what is missing someone? Is it like the constant awareness that a certain person is not with you? But what if you're fine with that? Is it when you want to hear someone's voice, or to get a hug, of to look in the eye? But what if you're fine without all of this? Maybe it's about being on someone's mind....thought are tangling, listening to the same song over and over again...have i been here before? 

kiss the rain

I'm leaving tomorrow...clothes are packed, books in the box on the floor...thoughts messed up...I'm leaving tomorrow...Is it gonna be better out there? Is it the beginning of a new life? 'Cause I'm leaving tomorrow....leaving everything behind, I need to move forward....  I need the future...and I'm leaving tomorrow...I'll meet some new people, see some old friends, forget a lot of old patterns and create new ones...I'll create a new life... I'm not running away, I'm moving on...I'm moving forward...i don't know where this road is gonna take me, but... we're under the same sky...

Stars are so far away..and my dreams are....but I believe in them....and I will until they are genuine...we are what we believe in...and I believe in my reams...I am my dreams...please believe in them too, believe in the possibility, in the chance...second chance...I believe that our God is a God of  second chances...I know that my life isn't worth much, but I hope I can make it worth, I want  to fulfill my purpose, I want to become myself...I want to complete the purpose of whatever talent I was given...I want to serve people with my talent, with the talent that God has given me...and for that I need to discover that talent in me...and I need to be believed in...even if you don't know what is it that you believe in ...it's the trust that counts...and the beauty of the dream...

Songs I listen to, movies I watch, people I meet - it all is leading me somewhere, I know that much...In this emptiness and loneliness there is still something left that keeps me from making the wrong step. Cars are driving, people are going somewhere, sun rises and sets and I have to wake up every morning. To accept this life and to accept myself. To look ahead, to believe in best, to find these little reasons for joy...I love people, most of them are nice without knowing it, they often help me just with their presence, and but they have no clue about it. I guess I'm tired of accepting and rejecting. But doubting, asking, thinking, feeling - it's living. Life is beautiful after all. 

because they are worth suffering for.

It's dark in the room, my window is open and I can hear the cars driving on the street, piano music is playing - what else do I need? I was reading through some quotes i had liked and so i saved them on my laptop. I have a couple favorites, Bob Marley's for example. Some i don't know who they belong to. Bob Marley said "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." This quote actually means a lot to me. People always hurt us. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. Some because they don't care about us and some because they care a lot. This is life and it's not simple. But there are people out there that you know you would never hurt. Never ever. You just can't. You know that they can do anything to you (not necessarily that they would) and you still will be there for them. You'll stand up and stretch out a hand to them if they still want it. It might hurt you but you'll get over it. Because some people mean that much. And it might not necessarily be that they have done something for you to, so to say, "earn" such an attitude on your part - it's  who they are you treasure so much that you would forgive them pretty much anything. because they are worth it. And if we have to choose between the people who don't care for us and might hurt us and the one's that care a lot and still might hurt us - I say that I choose the second ones. Because they are worth suffering for.  I may be way out there, but this is what this phrase means to me.

"Просто мені так хочеться бути там де і ти, так хочеться жити в тебе в полоні, і бачити як тікають від мене сни в твої долоні..."
                                                O.E.


I guess this is just a lonely evening...dark and lonely...lights are out in the room, candies and a glass of milk on the table (don't like regular cups). The city is shining with lights, getting ready for the nightlife. Someone out there is fighting, someone is reading, someone is leaving and someone is  coming back...so many people...they all are fighting something, and so am I. Evenings like this - they are important, they give you the chance to stop and to realize something...and the fact that they might not be the easiest ones to get through does not change anything... music helps to set the right mood to go along with the evening...there is no point in trying to change it, it's better to get through it faster ...I should get Christmas lights tomorrow, they will do perfectly for such evenings....  the city lies quietly in the darkness down under my window, almost as if I could jump in the darkness....I would never, but I always liked living here, gives you perspective...

I'll be keeping my hopes unbroken...

People were given a gift - to be able to feel. To feel pain and to feel joy, to feel compassion and empathy, to feel life. It's our way of reacting to the reality, our way of stating that we're alive, because we feel. We usually don't understand why things happen a certain way, we think that if we don't feel happy right now, at this moment and from this moment forever than something is wrong. But I don't thing that life is meant to be this way. I don't think that happiness equals joy. No, happiness is life and the assurance that everything is happening according to a plan. Unknown to us, but known to the Creator. Our happiness is to live. To go through our life, to meet people we were meant to meet, to do things that bring joy and that cause pain, but that are the part of our path. Every part of the plan is vital, every part makes sense. We should just be looking for the signs carefully not to get lost. Not trying to be happy every single moment, but to accept whatever there is on our path. And eventually it will all come together and we'll see the whole picture as it was meant to be. So far as we don't see it and we don't have the map to lead us don't the road we have to take. But we get lost if we lose faith.

smart=in love

passion can be crazy, but love is smart... i've seen this phrase in a book of one author, it's out of context and  i don't know how he has connected this  idea to the story, but I think that here he's right. Love is always smart. Love does not compromise our vision, it helps us to see things clearly. To understand what is genuine and what is false. To be able to tell the truth from the deceiving. Love is smart, and we should not be afraid for the consequences of the true love because if it's really True, than the decisions will be wise. Even if they don't seem sensible at first. It's passion usually that makes us do crazy things because passion sees no future, it's blind. Love is not blind, it sometimes makes us do things that we wouldn't normally do, but that's different. Love just gives us a chance to change our lives, and it's decisions,crazy sometimes, are pointed towards the  future. Unlike passion love is constructive. 

you never know...

What is love? What is it and can you understand it?? Can you comprehend it, can you measure it, can you evaluate it?? What is the indicator of love? People say "I love you", but do they really mean it? While saying it do they know that what they are feeling may not be love, that they are deceiving themselves and the other person? And sometimes you may love someone and not even realize it. You may love someone more that life but don't know it yet....Luckily, there always comes a point in both of this situations when the curtain had fallen and you start seeing thing the way they really are. And you get amazed...Sometimes by the lack of real feeling. And sometimes by the realization of how strong your feelings are. How genuine they are. And that they don't  depend on you, and that doesn't scare you for some reason. You just know that that is one of the most genuine things in life ans that it's a gift by itself. True Love is a gift. A very precious one.