Веришь?

Кортасар был прав. Нету никаких "навсегда" и "вместе". Каждый сам за себя, мы встречается и расходимся, мы все чужаки, мы поодиночке, хотя и пытаемся поверить, что это не так. В конечном итоге все заканчивается, и машины начинают ехать каждая сама по себе. И мы теряемся. Теряемся в этой толпе. И снова - тишина, одиночество, отчаянные поиски чего-то, что можно держать вруках и никогда не отпускать, не потерять, не отдать. Так бывает? Вы, все, кто говорит, что любит навечно и простит что угодно - вы сами в это верите? Что кто-то заглянет во все уголки вашей души и поймет ваши мысли, что скажет "навсегда" и действительно сделает все, чтобы остаться? Верите ? Все еще верите? Молодцы. Потому что без веры эта жизнь не имела бы смысла

I've been thinking a lot lately. I always have, but lately these thoughts they reach to the bottom of my heart( or they come from there, I don't know), and they are so strong they make tears come to my eyes. They make me feel something inside - a very rare thing lately, a sign that something is so strong it actually makes me feel, it has gotten through the inside indifference to everything. So I guess I can feel. And I don't know how good it is. I guess it is, but the only thing I can feel is pain, self-pain if to say so, not the joy. Can't feel anything happy, it just doesn't get through. And I guess I'm fine with that, I'm not sure I'd pay the price that it takes to be happy again. I'm fine where I am, I'm comfortable and secure with not-feeling and now these little aches inside scare me a bit. They surprise me, and I don't know what to do with them, how to react. Luckily, they don't last long. I'm looking for the reflection of my past in my present, I'm writing wrong things to the wrong people because I can't write them to the ones I want to. I don't care for one more scar on my heart- probably wont make a difference. I can't get to a place I want to be in, and so far I don't want any other place. So, then, what difference does it make where to be? I can't feel anything genuine, and yet I can't lie to myself. Trying to close up from the people, don't need them, if I can't have the right ones in my life I don't want any. I've been thinking about giving up lately. But I won't. I don't think there is such a person that is able to get through my defense, and that is probably right- I'm better off by myself. I'm still looking for a reflection that was once to be forgotten. I'm not complaining, I just haven't expressed my feelings for so long, and I need them out, there is too much,I'm tired because I don't know what to do with them, they seem of no use, only to be expressed maybe. But, hey, I have feelings - it means I'm still alive!

Sometimes I want to give up. To give up on everything and nearly everyone. It all just seems purposeless. But I know that I never will. The moment I try to let go off everything I realize that this is the most purposeless and simply dumb thing to do. Life is ALWAYS worth trying, life is worth living. And no matter what you do - it's still there, you're still going through your life and its up to you whether you are going to be satisfied with it or disappointed. Yeas, it's not easy, and sometimes really confusing, but if there were no challenge how would we tell happiness from sadness? And as far as I know - it's pointless, absolutely pointless to try to predict life. You can decide WHAT you want to happen in your life, and the odds are it will happen, but can't decide HOW. To do that is the shortest way to disappointment. And surprises make the road fun, so it's better to learn to take the unexpected things with amazement and gratitude instead of panicking that things have slipped out of our control, because surprises are a part of life, and there is nothing more to it. And instead of thinking how things could've been you should try and enjoy things the way they are. Because THAT'S THE WAY THEY ARE. If you made a mistake - learn your lesson and keep moving, the best and the only thong you can do about it - don't do it again. Look around you, this is the only real life you have, and your choices are determined by the limited lines called "reality". And, hey, it can be fun as well. Accept the rules and don't let the fear spoil the game.

To let go

There are moments when the time comes to let go of something. Or somebody. And we should learn to do that easily. But, for whatever reason, we don't. It's like you feel connected to the person, as if you were attached to him or her by invisible strings. And sometimes it hurts when the other person makes a move away from you. Of when you try to tear those strings. When all you have to do is to open your palms and let those strings go. And that does not happen when you stop talking to that person, or seeing him, or even thinking of him. You may push the very thought of him to the furthest corner of your mind, but as long as the strings connect you two - the slightest move and you'll feel the vibration, either it's butterflies in the stomach or pain somewhere in the chest. If you feel it - you're still holding on to it. And I don't know when exactly comes the moment you finally let go, maybe it's when the purpose of that person in your life is complete, as is yours in his. If that has not happened - you simply don't let go, for what ever reason you just don't.

We are fans of the complications. We see question marks where there is a clear full stop, we put suspension points at the end of the story whenever we don't want to face the fact that there can't be any continuation to it. We try to get things our way, forgetting that oftentimes we simply do not know what we are looking for. We end up hurting people in our endless search for happiness, and we get hurt ourselves. Whereas it should be pretty simple - every person has the right to be appreciated and a chance to be noticed. Don't give up on anybody before you really know what kind of person he or she is. Don't make quick judgements and don't jump into conclusions. every time you wanna do that - think that your snap judgement may hurt someone deeply.

И почему люди все так усложняют... Придумывают себе какие- то заморочки, ограничения, оправдания, проблемы, не верят, проверяют, сомневаются... Ведь иногда все бывает гораздо проще - жизнь, как она есть. Если трава- то зеленая, если шоколад - то поднимает настроение, и если вам хорошо вдвоем - то почему вы не вместе?? Да, возможно не навсегда и возможно не идеально, но иногда оно стоит того, чтобы попробовать. Мы не знаем, что там будет дальше, и пока не проживем, не сможем узнать. И именно поэтому глупо тратить свою жизнь на сомнения...

we need it

I guess it's a natural treat of character - the desire to be valued by those who are alike to us- by people. It gives us a sense that we're 'right' enough to fit the group, that there is nothing wrong with us. In a way we were 'programmed' to aim for the good, like we have an invisible internal radar to aim us towards the things that intentionally were meant to be good, from the very beginning. And these values are our reference point, something we hold on to to be able to tell right from wrong. We need a scale to measure our thoughts and believes up to and we were given one by our  Creator, and if He would have chosen to give us a different set of values we would 've considered them to be the right ones. And our desire to be liked and to be valued by the other people is a quite natural one - it's an indicator that we're 'right' so to say, that we're going in the right direction and that we're up to those hight principles that initially were given to direct us. But us, people - we somewhat distort this directions, we use false values oftentimes and wrong scales to 'measure' other people, we let our judgements to be based on vanity, on greed, on envy, on anything but on a selfless love - love to other people and therefore the willingness to see them as they truly are and to accept them that way. Sometimes better than we think of them, sometimes worse. So before making other's people judgements  be any sort of orientier for yourself - make sure those people use the right scale, that they are driven by the genuine vision of life as it should be - as God has intended it to be and has enclosed that desire into our Hearts....

I guess, I don't know....Apparently, I don't know anything and I wonder if anyone does. Tired of being scared. I guess I'm tired of myself. I don't know who I am, and I wonder - can I figure it out by myself, or do I need other people to be the indicators? On the one hand - do I have the right to engage other people in my life while it's a mess, but on the other hand - can I get all the pieces together all by myself? I mean, other people will be interacting with me after I'm done figuring myself out. And basically I'm doing it in order not to hurt other people when(if) they get involved in my life. So do I ask for advice or is it something I am to do alone? I wonder if this sounds like a bunch of crazy stuff... my mind's going crazy sometimes, or maybe the world is - can't say for sure. I should probably start crying out for help, so if you can help me to figure myself out- please, don't hesitate to let me know!!

There are cases when you can aways come back. You know you can and nothing would stand in the way. But there are times when you know that you can't come back, you simply can't and it's not a matter of pride of offense, hurt or anything else. You just know, probably, that you're not wanted and if you care for someone you don't do something that person wouldn't want.

I don't think people were meant to be lonely...i mean, yeah, there are certain parts of the road that we have to walk all by ourselves, to understand who we are and what we're worth, to figure out what we want and whom we want to see around us, but other that that - the Creator has given us this enclosed need for someone else like us. If not - then we probably would feel perfectly good and complete all by our selves. but we are not, and while we don't necessarily always need the physical presence of someone - will still feel safe just knowing that there is someone thinking of us and caring about us and that this someone would be willing to be with us right now. In a way it's like an indicator that we're a good enough person, that we're worth someone's appreciation. That's why we all crave love in any shape, we hate the idea that we might be rejected - and that's the very thing that can hurt us the worst - rejection. We become content for a while after being hurt, content with the pain and we don't crave love anymore - pain takes all the space inside us and it seems as if we don't need anything else and never will. But that's not true, the pain was never meant to make us content, it burns out after a while and if there is no love to substitute it we're left empty inside....and then we start craving both love and pain, anything to fill the void inside, and oftentimes pain is easier to find than love. A moment very dangerous for choosing paths and making decisions, a crucial moment if we start to doubt in ourselves.

it's all about people......always about people

Life is not about places you go to, life is about people you meet, the people that really make a difference.... it's about the moments that stay forever in your heart, about the thoughts communicated and emotions shared. you don't leave your heart at a certain place, you leave it with certain people. the people that will keep a part of your heart safe and will give you a part of their's instead..... until you can trade back..... maybe never, but what does it matter if those are the right people to entrust your heart with?

"After all, the wrong road always leads somewhere." The question is, do I want to see where?...

I know this feeling - when it seems as if you've tried every route possible and all of them turned out to be wrong. So you're kind a just standing there in the middle wondering where to go now when there seems to be no right road. I've been there and i've tried just to stand still and to listen to my heart - so that I would finally understand who I am and what I want to be ....I was hoping it would help me to choose the right road, and until i understand what road to take i won't take any - I would just be standing there in order not to make any more mistakes...and I'm still wondering, and still listening, and still standing there....not making mistakes, not making any rapid moves - standing there, at the crossroads, listening to my heart, asking Heavens for help, trying to see the signs and to understand who I want to be... has been working so far... at least that's the least chance of making mistakes now when i don't know anything  for sure yet...

say good bye

I've been running for far too long and now it's time to stop I guess...I don't know what was it - whether I was trying to run away form something or to get somewhere so desperately. I think both. And now I have to stop. I've been running so fast that all I could see around me were blurry pictures, I was lost and it made me run even faster with no direction. Well, now I have nothing to run away from and nothing to be running to, because I can never run away from myself and the world inside of me,  have to learn to live in it. I was looking for someone to live in it with me but I know now that I shouldn't be afraid to live in it all by  myself. Looking back  I can say that if my life was supposed to be changed - God could've not picked better people for it. And now I think it's time to let go - forever or just for some time. This part of the road I have to walk all by myself. I'll try not to get lost, I'll be looking for signs, I'll be holding onto memories that will light me the way if I get lost and it gets too dark and scary. I'll be hoping for help. One part of the way is over, and another one is about to begin. I'm saying "Good bye" and hoping to cross paths again. I wish you to go down your own road and to find your own truth. I'll be praying that God helps you.

Well, here we are...there is nothing more to be decided I guess. There are steps that need to be taken and there is no more place for doubts. It's a little bit scary - like jumping in a cold water - but it's exciting at the same time. I hope I  haven't misread the signs, I pray that God would lead me, I hope that I'll have enough courage and belief to achieve this target. I'm willing to take the first step down this road...  

i want to play for keeps

world is so charming...it's complicated, yeah, but it's worth trying....i believe in happiness, i believe in truth, i believe in life, i believe in God... I believe in the path ahead of me, i know it will lead me somewhere, i just have to make the first step...it's a hard one but i can do it...yeah, the world is complicated but it's a unity...it's beautiful in it's complication, its complete...and I'm a part of it, I'm a part of this universe and it means i have a purpose to be here...i want to complete it. And for that i have to step on the path. Still, we are not alone in this world. God sends people into our lives that keep us on the path sometimes without even realizing it...sometimes against our and their will... But it all leads somewhere...And I know I've gone too far to stop here...